Rules For Being A "Metal Chick"
1. Own only 5-10 metal albums. These are all of contemporary bands that your boyfriend burned for you, and consist of "melodic" and "accesible" songs from such bands as Killswitch Engage, In Flames, Soilwork, Sonata Arctica and Dimmu Borgir. Listen to exactly none of them.
2. Wear a different "babydoll" band shirt every day that your boyfriend bought you at a show, in attempts to make you look more "metal" to his metal friends who don't even have girlfriends.
3. Be very ugly... Shouldn't be too hard.
4. Run up to the front of the stage at every show, and scream wildly, even if the band is horrible. Continue screaming even between songs so that nobody can hear what the frontman is saying.
5. Remember, your only purpose and reasoning behind any of this is to get negative attention, since none of the popular people at school will talk to you. Get as many piercings and tattoos as you can afford to reflect this.
6. Continue being ugly. There you go!
7. Know everything there is to know, and own every photo/interview and press item of Dani Filth and Shagrath... Be madly in love with both of them. Know exactly none of either bands' song names.
8. Go shopping at Hot Topic at least twice a week. Buy as many studded/ring accessories as they have... Wear these items in the shower, and to bed. Dont forget to wear them as formal attire or to important events where everyone would agree its entirely inapropriate. Argue incessantly about this with your only basis being, "This is who I am... I am my own person!"
9. Scream, "Fuck yeah!" and, "That's so metal!" as often as possible, and never when it is actually fitting to the situation.
10. Yeah, you're still ugly.
11. Constantly remind everyone how much better certain bands were in the "old days". Don't actually bother to hear those bands' older material first.
12. Go to shows every weekend. Even if its the worst grind/death hodgepodge lineup for $50 passed off as some "festival" and you haven't heard of a single band playing. Be sure to be a devoted fan to these terrible bands the following day. (Optional): Express your love for them by wearing their home made band shirts with unreadable logos that you got by the dozen by giving head to anyone "claiming" to be in the bands playing.
13. Flash the horns at anything unmetal. This is your calling card for being a posing metal whore. Pancakes at Dennys. Clean sheets from the dryer. Your boyfriend calling you a douchebag... All require the horns and a chosen phrase from rule #9.
14. Wear buttons that say "punk". In fact, actually be more into punk than metal. Listen to Danzig and The Misfits all day. Claim to be "metal".
15. Dye your hair at least 3 unnatural colors at the same time. Look like a beaten pinata after a show. Except you spill STDs instead of candy.
16. Constantly fantasize about being one of Cradle Of Filth's gothic stage sluts. Dress in fishnets and cheap polyester corsets to express this. Black lipstick is also a nice touch... Suck as much dirty metalhead cock as possible. This makes you more "metal". Fuck yeah!
17. No matter how much money you spend at Hot Topic... You're still going to be UGLY!
18. Claim to know tons of people in bands. Flaunt and gloat about meeting Mikael Åkerfeldt after a gig, make it seem like you 2 grew up together (when in fact you talked for 30 seconds before you made him want to vomit). Take 15 photos with Martin Lopez. Make sure to look as skanky as possible in these. Never realize that the face Lopez is making in the photos is pure disgust.
19. Never realize that you actually embarrass your boyfriend or parents. Just continue to be an oblivious cum swaggler. He only likes you because he can use you for sex, and you claim to like what he likes. You're as memorable as a dead Ethiopian child.
20. Read the last 19 rules... And cry non-stop for 3 days straight because its you on every level. Now become emo. Let it be your new life's purpose. Lose interest in 6-12 months.
Ahhh, my eyes, they are damp with LAUGHTER!